Breaking the Habit
by doughnutmagic
Summary: Mad Hatter fic. It's shibby...but that's just me. I need other opinions! Please read and review! Much appreaciated!


Breaking the Habit  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Angel Sanctuary, or Linkin Park's song Breaking the Habit. It's just inspiration. ^_^  
  
I hope you like this fic. It's completely AU, just my Idea on what Mad Hatter thought and felt before and after the change. It changes a bit later on, starts off with MH referring to itself as 'I, me, myself' etc. but later on after the change it refers to itself as 'One'. There now no confusion can be had, yet if you have a question ask me. ^_^ Review please!  
  
And much thanks to Blackie with helping me with some things ^_^  
  
___________________________  
  
I lay in my room quietly after a long day, thinking of everything that went on, seeing Raphael and Michael-sama, and all the others...stressful because I have not yet grown into my body.  
  
.....I don't have a gender yet.I guess it hasn't yet been decided....  
  
All the others are either male or female.and I'm neither...  
  
I rolled over and my cheek lay on my ruby red hair. It was long, to my waist, only because Raphael-sama said I was supposed to be a woman. I was slightly curvy, and very elegant, sort of like a female child before it hits puberty.  
  
But why haven't I grown into my body yet? All the others have, long ago...and still I'm left in the dust.  
  
I remember a long time ago...back when we were all younger, right after the others all had their gender decided...they teased me.  
  
The girls all pulled my hair, and called me names...they laughed at me because they saw themselves better than me.  
  
The boys pushed and taunted me, calling me mean things hoping to make me cry with their harsh words.  
  
'Belial,' they'd sneer, 'you're too worthless to be anything. That's why father hasn't done anything for you.'  
  
And still, father hasn't done anything for me. I don't know why I'm so worthless to him.I haven't yet done anything...I was always good, striving to be perfect so he'd see me fit to bless me with gender...but still...  
  
I then realized that that was what I was supposed to be...worthless...I had been for all my life, and I always would be...no point in trying to stop it...  
  
I came to the conclusion right then and there that I wanted to stay what I was....I have the best of both genders...  
  
I wasn't put up on a pedestal and paraded around like a doll, or spend hours in vain trying to look beautiful like females.  
  
I didn't go around trying to impress, or show off like men.  
  
And like both of them, I didn't care what anybody thought.  
  
I have the best of both genders.  
  
But...I'll never be accepted...  
  
My eyes dilated and my lips curved into a small smirk. They'll see...they'll all see...  
  
Flashing in my mind, leaving as quickly as it came:  
  
I don't want to be the one that the battles always choose...  
  
I sat up and shook my head, my hair flying about wildly; I gripped my cranium and cried out quietly in anguish.  
  
Another flash:  
  
Inside I realize that I'm the one confused...  
  
Pain caressed my head once more, making me double over. My whole body quaked and I cried out:  
  
"Father...why have you forsaken me?"  
  
I received no awnser but the notion he had found the worthless a gender.  
  
But I knew...I wasn't going to let him take my power from me. It seemed to be a habit of father's to take things away from me.and ruin my moments of happiness whenever he could....  
  
I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream. I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean...I don't know how I got this way I know it's not alright.so I'm breaking the habit tonight...  
  
~*~  
  
I practically crawled to the lab, where I knew Raphael-sama kept all his most powerful drugs. Every few moments, my body would be shaken by unbearable pain, and I would have to stop, but I finally got there.  
  
I used the counter to pull myself up, and tried to open the cabinets.  
  
Locked.  
  
They had a glass front, so I used my fist to smash through it. Little pieces of glass flew everywhere. One hit under my eye and a small drop of blood oozed out making it seem I was crying blood.  
  
I grabbed bottles, with pills and liquids, and needles, anything that could possibly stop what was happening to me happen.  
  
Remembering that Raphael-sama was down the hall, most likely sleeping on his desk because he was trying to pull an all night study session, I went over to the door and locked it.  
  
I ingested, and shot up most if not all of what was in that cabinet.anything and everything. After the last syringe was emptied, I lay on the desk a small smile gracing my elegant features, and gradually, ever so gradually the pain stopped.  
  
~*~  
  
One decided that One was not going to call One's self 'she' or 'he' for One is neither...  
  
After many hours, One sat up, void of pain and looked around. The ends of One's long female-esque hair brushed One's arms, and One's nose wrinkled in disgust.  
  
Gracefully, One slid off the table and onto the floor, covered in broken glass and walked over to the desk that Raphael kept in there, One opened one of the drawers and took out silver scissors.  
  
One snipped, and hacked until One's hair was at a length that only further disguised what gender One was supposed to be. Man or woman could wear it and One was neither perfect.  
  
One caught sight of One's self in a mirror. One looked like a clown with One's blood running down one side of One's face like that. One laughed, an ironic bitter laugh.  
  
One had defied God. Ruined his plan, and now One was capable of reaching anything One wanted. God could no longer ruin One's life, for One would not be here.  
  
One broke the habit. 


End file.
